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Posts Tagged ‘pain’

Okay.  So spring has finally erupted here in North Texas.  We had to deal with a last minute Snow/blizzard thingy, but now its over.  I think.  I hope.  My tulips are budding out, the trees are starting to leave out, etc.  Its a beautiful time, and my favorite time.  But why am I so “bla”??  I dont get it.  At the current time, I have so many issues going on in my little life.  Im sick, to be the first of all my despair.  I am currently being tested for “Cushings Syndrome”, which will then lead to a diagnosis of “Cushings-Disease” if what they find is accurate.  Im not thrilled to have that particular diagnosis–however, I want them to finally label it with something–anything.  Once I had been given the label of “fibromyalgia”, everything stopped.  Any/Every symptom I had from there on out, was just poohed on.  Once that diagnosis is made~~BEWARE! You will never have anything else as far as they think.  Because, Fibromyalgia is just a ball of “everything” out there, and anything applies to it.  I have often just run away from calling my illness that.  It just doesn’t seem real to me, or its just a made up label to get rid of you.   It may sound crazy to most.  But I just want this chapter of my illness to be over and go away, be treated, or something.  Im apparantly a walking question mark to my doctors.  They are pretty puzzled by me, and haven’t quite figured it all out.  I feel like one of those Mystery Diagnosis shows on TLC channel.  On-going now for about 7 years or so.  I do have all the signs and symptoms of the Cushings, except the purple striae marks they speak of.  Im the heaviest I’ve ever been in my whole life–and its freaking me out.  Most of my weight has congregated in my tummy, upper-back and that darned buffallo hump on my neck.  I cant find any clothes to fit me correctly, and wouldn’t be caught dead in shorts/or short sleeved shirt.  I want the madness to end,I want the dreary sadness left behind from winter to leave me.  I need sunshine to survive folks.  Literally.  I have to go outdoors several times a day and just close my eyes–stand there in the sunshiny moment, and breathe.  The only exception is when my Mother n Law see’s me, and decides that she wants to come over and talk for hours about how her mother abused her.  I tell you what~my mother n law is the walking/talking poster child of OCD/and Darned CRAZY people.  She has never had a therapist, but needs one.  She looks to me to be that for her instead.  It makes me crazy.  To the point that I rarely go outside anymore, and I rarely leave my own house.  If the moment occurs that she is leaving–I see her purple van drive out, I jump to the opportunity to do something.  Sound crazy??  Well, that’s the way it has been for about 5 years now.  Im in a place in my life where I literally dont know who I am anymore.  I try and try to do things…..but there’s always something there stopping me for finishing any of it.  My life is just a shadow it seems.  Sorry to be so negative….trying to cling to ANYthing that I can today.  70ish degrees for here, sun is brightly shining.  New kittens on my porch, the whole world open, but I feel like a lazy rock.  Or a white crayon.  Peace to you all~!~praying that the other half of creation is having a glorious day.  Remember me, in your prayers.  I covet them all.  truly. 

~~till another time,

Suanne

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